Read me First - Welcome and Disclaimers
Hi Everyone, Welcome to my little corner in the world.
My name is Stephanie and I have 3 kids - I am also divorced, the kids living with their Dad. (Yes, this is really hard but before you judge, don't. because I am the hardest on myself) This is a NO JUDGEMENT ZONE.
So, where to start? Well, first off. This is about Mental Health - I am not a doctor and this is purely based on my own experience. Some content may be triggering, please only read if you are prepared to read and feel raw and real Mental Health experiences. All content is hand written by a real human and will never be written by AI. All words stated are my words.
If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts or a crisis, please reach out immediately to the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 or text HOME to the Crisis Text Line at 741741. These services are free and confidential.
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Well, guess I will start with why I am Divorced and am rediscovering myself.
I saw the environment that was existing. I did not and would not want our kids to ever think that it is okay to interact how their Dad and I were interacting not very nicely. Never ever physical. It was emotional warfare, raw, real and toxic.
I had turned into someone I didn't know.
I had turned into someone I didn't like.
I had turned into a shell of me.
So, I am here today to share my journey with you in case you may have gone through things like this too.
If you are, you are so strong and you can and will get through this! I will always be your biggest cheerleader. I always have an empathetic ear for anyone that wants to talk and I MEAN that. Also - the things you say I will take to my grave. There are things that people have told me that I promised I would never tell and I won't - ever.
If you know anything about Astrology - I am a Scorpio. Although - I was born a month early. Does ANYONE know if being a preemie effects astrology? Maybe I am a Sag? If you know the answer to this question, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me know!
Since Pluto is the planet of Death - this fits me very fittingly.
I love going into the deep dark places, see what's there, feel it and make it light. I like FIXING things, NOT masking them. It actually drives me crazy to mask things. ABSOLUTELY CRAZY.
What had happened was...one day I woke up and was contemplating taking my life (again). I knew that was when I needed to make a change. I had this PERFECT life and family and here I didn't even feel it. I actually felt quite the opposite. I also don't want to lose to those demons - they don't deserve attention and I know that now.
Thinking about the change - I had to change - I was miserable and so was my family. So, I decided if we couldn't work through it and change it, the environment had to change. And that environment change would be me. I was about to tear everything apart and get to the root of my pain.
Unfortunately for my Mom, her fiancée passed away in his sleep. She needed help and it worked that we moved in together. Oddly enough, now its my Brother, Mom and I. Just like old times when we were young. I get home cooked meals like she has always made (including her amazing Tacos.)
Ironically, at the time that I was thinking about taking my life again - I was on 5 different medications for Mental Health. Here I was trying to do the work, putting the resources into it and I was at my low again.
Me and Mental Health meds go way back. Not only to when I was 17 and told I was "going crazy" - that will be a different post.
After that moment - I slowly weaned myself off of them and haven't taken anything since - deathly aware and skeptic of this true nature in literally CHANGING the chemicals in your brain. Lot's of people use them and experience miracles and I am so happy for you. But for me, they aren't my cup of tea.
I figured - if I wanted to HEAL, I had to be real with myself - I couldn't run from what I was running from anymore. I had to confront the very things that were tearing me apart. Things that no longer felt true to me. I had to refind out who I was again and who I wanted to be.
My goal:
- Experience Joy instead of creating Chaos
- Run toward the pain instead of masking/escaping
- Keep and open mind
- Love myself
- Know who I am
- Be so happy I can't stand myself
- Grow and learn, understanding healing is not linear or often how we think it should look or feel
- Give myself grace
- Do what feels good and aligned with my beliefs
- Be true to myself
- Don't "fake it till you make it" - "Feel it till you make it."
- Identify emotional thought patterns and change/replace traits that were toxic or not for my best self
- Be a nice human and help others whenever possible
- Be a cheerleader to all
- Be better than yesterday but not as great as tomorrow
- Give people a space to feel seen or heard
With that being said - this is a journey...not a destination. I am much better than before but definitely not as great as tomorrow.
Thank you so much for reading - Chao for now!
Sincerely,
Stephaie
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